Work Cancer :-/

I keep having dreams about disappointing people.  Sometimes I disappoint myself in the dreams, but mostly its other people and if its other people, its most likely work.

I'm one of those people who probably read a little too much into dreams.  I've had some interesting experiences with them and I believe that they can provide insight into some underlying issues.  But then, sometimes they're just weird and I can't make anything of them.  Often times, though, my dreams are just there to torture me about things that I don't like to think about during the day.

So, we'll say, since about February I've been having all sorts of dreams about work.  Its no surprise why: my firm has a ridiculous turnover rate for new attorneys.  I have plenty of reasons why I think this is but basically it boils down to poor training and lack of communication.  Nevertheless, I have this constant fear that any day I go into work I could get fired.  Don't get me wrong, I've never been one to like stability and change is always nice...but not when it comes to your job.  I hate feeling like someone is always just waiting for me to screw up so they can go complain to my boss.  Yet, thats exactly what it feels like...everyday.  I certainly understand they're goal in making sure that people do good work, do it on time and work hard.  I guess I just don't see the benefit of making people constantly paranoid about everything they do...at some point, doesn't that become counter-productive??

Its normal, I guess, to have dreams about work, the same way its normal to have dreams about other important aspects of your life.  The thing that bothers me is that now its been translated to other parts of my life.  So now my nightmares about failure at work are becoming nightmares about failure at everything else I do.  And I do not tolerate dreams about failing at running.  That is the one part of my life that actually releases stress and gets me out of my crazy mode after work.  And now I'm pissed cause my constant fear of failure at work has finally seeped into my running.  Besides, how do you fail at a run?  You just go...its magical like that.

This is cause for change.  I don't think that having a little bit of a fire under your butt to get you going at work is a bad thing.  But too much of it (like *ahem* now..) is like cancer, it just spreads everywhere until you just aren't satisfied with yourself in any part of your life because of how some toxic environment is making you feel.  I refuse to become a product of my cancerous environment and I, from now on, will reject it.

I will continue to work hard and do my best to do good work and do it on time.  If, after all of my efforts, I screw up, then ok...I'll just have to be fine with that because no one is perfect and its sheer stupidity to expect me of all people to be perfect.  And, if I get fired, then thats fine because somewhere out there is an office that will appreciate my work ethic, and dedication and won't make me live in fear.