One of the troubling things about this particular Thanksgiving is the amount of time I've had to spend with my grandma. The thing is - it shouldn't be troubling, it should be something I'm thankful for. She is 85 years old and no one really knows how much time she has left though she seems healthy enough.
I remember many good times with her. When I was little she would play mickey mouse dominos with me and video tape disney episodes of Ariel for me. Then, when she would come visit from California she would play cards with me and otherwise be very sociable. Heck, even when I was in college I could still carry on conversations with her. When I was home for the summer I would bring over pizza and beer and we'd watch Astros games together. As she got older her memory started failing her but overall I could talk to her and at least relate to her a little bit.
Its not like that anymore. Grandma doesn't remember when I call, where I live, what I do...recently she can't remember who I am. She'll recognize me but I'll have to remind her of my name. Basically, she's not herself anymore. I recognized that her memory began failing her more and more as time went on. I'd go home one weekend and she'd be even worse two months later. It was a gradual thing and it began happening a few years after she moved to Texas.
These days her memory is so bad I'm wondering whats going to happen to her. My mom is basically her only caretaker. Someone goes out to the house most days of the week to check on her, clean and make sure she takes her pills, etc. Even on those days though she'll call my mom all the time. Its gotten to the point where I make a game out of it and see if we can guess how many times she'll call. Then, Fri-Sun my mom picks her up and brings her over to the house and waits on her hand and foot; answering the same questions 25 times (usually multiple questions each repeated 25 times). My mom is so patient, I envy her.
The worst part of it is that I sort of dread what will become of my mother during this whole process. She is so devoted to my grandmother that I'm afraid she's not going to really be able to enjoy her life anymore. My dad is already living abroad and my mom can't even be with him because she is constantly tending to my grandmother. Even this Thanksgiving we can't all go out together, someone has to stay home and watch Grandma. Its awful and I sort of resent my grandma for it, I feel like she is driving the family apart. I don't want to feel that way.
As Grandma's dementia has gotten worse I've been less and less inclined to call or visit with her. I feel like it doesn't even make a difference when I do call. She doesn't remember when I call or when I see her or otherwise do anything for her. Its easier to just give her a hug and say I talked to her a few days ago...its not like she'd know the difference anyway. Its almost cruel of me to do it, really. I guess I justify it by saying that its healthier for me and I know the alternative would drive me insane. Maybe its a distancing mechanism since there's no telling how much longer she'll be around. Or maybe I am just a little bit, well, heartless.
No comments:
Post a Comment